Oslo Norway...first impressions

    "Are you afraid of your clothes?"

The flight to Oslo was superb. I didn't get a proper photo of the stewardesses (see: shite camera), but they were wearing red and black, with black leather gloves and they were tall and blond. So My first impression was: I was on a flight to "Hell" *(note for later), and that Hell* was filled with Über hot chics...which I think is prolly a given anyway.

Upon taxiing out onto the runway, we were shown a highly detailed digitally animated film of safety protocols in which everyone in the film was smiling, blue eyed,  and blond. I became anxious about being denied entry when I landed on the other side...due to my lack of blondness...stealthily, I pulled out a 'Naples yellow' pencil crayon and altered my passport photo.

 The ladies in the seat across for me looked to be of the lovely Indian persuasion...they were pointing at my nose ring and giggling...Prolly saying something about my apparent lack of goats or a husband...but I hope they are not too worried about me. I will be ok.

The flight was interesting for me as always...

We flew over the North Sea and I got a good look at about 10 of those oil rig things with the flame coming out the top...quite something...HUGE. Like petroleum filled metal islands in a vast perhaps...connected to the ocean floor by some weird techi-umbilicus. Ahhh western civilization. mmmmm oilrotic.

 So the sun didn't really set until I got to Oslo. The air port is small, but very tidy with an interesting design...My camera was out of juice so I didn't get many photos...too bad, cause the Oslo airport is very nice. Also, the minute I got off the plane I realized just how rad this place is. Everyone is so beautiful here. They move less hurriedly,  and they smile a lot more...hot. Smiling is hot.


 I was slipping in my own drool. Which is quite dangerous due to the concrete floors in the airport.


Tor met me at the airport, and we then took the über cool space age stainless steel train of awesomeness to greater Oslo, where we jamped (past tense of jump) off and wandered the streets back to Sverdrups Gate, where Tor has a 'Splendid' apartment.  He shares this apartment with two awesome brothers:

Bjørn and Rolf.

Naturally, when a new person arrives...much like a birth...in Norway people want to celebrate with booze and food... so we do....and it's a crazy piss-up. Bjørn, Rolf, and Tor are all very funny humans. We drank "Aquavit" aka "water of life"...and got smashed. The party masks came out, and much merriment occurred. At one point I put on a crash helmet and Bjørn suggested I put the blast shield down. I concurred, and with that he fired a kiwi at my head at top speed....Kiwi ...Viking style!
The impact was probably quite intense as it set it seed everywhere...yet I remained unaffected by the blast.

There was an excessive amount of giggling ad pants peeing and snickering.
 Then Rolf exclaimed "Are you afraid of your clothes?!!!!"...everyone looks confused and there was a moment of deep uncertainty..especially on Tor's face....Rolf lifted his fist and smashed it down on the table. HARD....there was an explosion of liquid, and when the smoke had cleared...the skin of a freshly pressed tomato remained...I laughed so hard at his statement that I was holding my sides on the floor with tears coming out of my eyes.

I guess "Are you afraid of your clothes?" Means "Are you afraid of getting shit on your clothes?"



...."Are you afraid of your clothes?!!!"

We laughed awful amounts at this...and it became my Norwegian anthem.

Here is Rolf drinking shots through his gas mask.

 



Bjørn enjoying Tor's FLASH

So this is Bjørn's black metal style mask...which is the only remotely Emo/black metal thing I have

Here's Tor in a saucy little number which helps with all his bank robbing exploits.





















 So yes....so far fun...but sleep happens....and next will be OSLO!

Camping it up!

So Amber and I went camping....Super rad times..It was very nice to get away from the hullabaloo mayhem of Paisley for a bit....ooo I almost typed Palsy...weird.ok..

We had large packs with us and set out on the bus which made for antics with gravity.......making the elderly nervous.




.So we went to this place called Aberfoyle, which, just by coincidence is the something er other of Sir John A MacDonald. We took a 26 mile trek up into the hills and didn't see another human for a whole 24 hours. Awesome. We did however, see sheep....

Here is a neato house I saw along the way whilst I was sitting on the bus and trying not to notice an old man ogling my legs.... I spoze I could have gotten cross or slapped him suddenly, but he prolly would have died of a heart attack which would have put a bit of a damper on the day...Look...a pretty house...That's what you get for wearing shorts young lady....Allah be merciful!






change subject...aka:"A.D.D. segway"




So we got's off da bus and started walkin'


And walkin'

These are my new shoes. Shayne (studio buddy and brother from another mother) recommended them as 'the' shoe for the wandering soul...They are most comfy...and Canadian.....NO BLISTERS....ever. If you worship your feet as I do...get good shoes...even if it's just the one pair you own..like me. Keen...gooder. √√√√√√

So we hiked for a good chunk of the afternoon...being silly and running about in the hills. 

 

...and then we climbed up a big hill and almost up to the top even!...and there was this little cut block. Next to the cut block was a lovely little ravine thingy.

We set up camp with the plan of running about madly on the peak at sunset....even if I do dislike sunsets furiously.

Amber demonstrating the importance of keeping plaid on hand in the Highlands to keep your lowlands clean and dry. It's all about the details and essentials you see....

Amber getting herself ready for a slow cooking on the fire. We want her skin crispy and savory...not burned...like any baked tater, you want the middle cooked but not over cooked....just kidding....this our camping fetish wear..."Oh what do those girls NOT get up to?!!"...slaps stick! Mad cap! 

ok this joke has been milked....slike kicking a 5 day dead horse.

We's eating our camp fire cooked num nums Including massive amounts of midge corpses...mmmmmmm protein! So delectable...mmmmmmmmm

"Camping money shot"

Sun set....great..."yay"....



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Breakfast fire...My fave...

Here's where you stand in Great Britain if you have to fart...NO WHERE ELSE....just here...don't make a scene.


Terribly sorry but could you just do what your fucking told.

Sheep: They're everywhere.



Oh sure...they may LOOK cute...but they are a bucolic pestilence. Can you feel the gangsta just drippin' of this one? Such irreverence.

What could it mean?


I like the blue and orange...mmmmm

Part of the west Highland way.

Amber and I got to a small town called Killern, where we met some kind locals who took pity on us and gave us massive VATS of cider.




So after getting mildly shitfaced we clambered onto a bus bound for Glasgow. Upon our arrival, we scurried through the streets headed for the train home to Paisley...during this mad dash, we encountered an amazingly tall tourist, whom, with our short legs we could barely keep up to in order to do stealth stalker photos (as is our mutual hobby)...so, sadly, this is the only surviving pic of "Gigantor"...
















We got's home, put our feet up, and patted each other on the back for a mission accomplished...



Next...Something...Something murmur...

The Rural trek for no bloody good reason.

  So Amber and I decided to trek out into the countryside a bit. Amber needed to take her phone to get fixed at some industrial place. So we went looking for it. We saw some pastoral stuff.  It was nice to wander around creeks and meadows for a change. ..and of course...tidily manicured industrial parks. HAWT. Industrial parks have awesome amounts of land around each building which gets mowed but used for nothing...so I have this picture  of wheat in a completely different spot we passed...so I feel ok again....I think these industrial parks should have sheep hanging out in them or something...because they are cute and edible, and because my opinion matters.












So we got a bit off track as well so Amber had that look of confusion on her face which generally signifies the beginning of an adventure...and usually of a sun burn for her...So we wandered around and around these huge monolithic buildings off in the middle of nowhere and attempted to find the fronts of them, while discovering huge 'fuck off' fences with no apparent logical reason for existing because they were only half erected, but still managed to make us feel like someone had been let loose with an idea for using random fencing for installation art...
RANDOM




















We got round the front of one of the building and it turned out to be kinda shiny:...sadly "NO" they don't do tours....douche bags....way to make our ultra mundane HOT day of random installation art fence jumping even better!


So we kept going and found the preternatuarally air conditioned building which contained the healing solace for Amber's phone.......yay for mission success...













...suddenly...

We left the building and went back into "sweat because you have to" land.  (I added the "suddenly so you get that "graphic Novella" feeling...despite the "mostly meh"..)

...and then..Look a plane! Weeeeeeeee

We wait for bus...We go home...Amber makes nummies...we are no longer sad and hot...But Amber gets Aloe Vera on her skin cause it's burned...it puts the lotion on it's skin...man I don't tell her , but sun burns smell like BBQ wieners.

I love Glasgow!!

 I love Glasgow and it's a love that is for real, the city has a soul, a smelly grimy soul. It's not just a beautiful museum... It's lived in...and when I walk the streets i can hear the ghosts. I do tend to gravitate to the older sections, and my photo's are predominantly this...due to the fact that I have been raised in a very modern culture, so I like old shit...nuff said. I like beautiful decay...of metal, of stone, of wood...tarnished, chipped, stained, broken. It's a perpetual poem of degradation...I feel most fortunate to witness.

 The buildings here have presence, resonance. The red stone facades striking against the blue sky with the strong intent still fresh from their original designers.  They are all within a human scale as well...not the towering beings of glass and steel, that stomp your psyche with monolithic sterility. They are easy on the eyes.

These are places I would gladly rent and make art in. They are stunning...like an attractive friend that you never tell that you have a crush on.

 

Amber took me on a tour of Glasgow the first few days. It was lovely. The light was perfect. I think the entire time I'd been in Scotland it only rained once, and not for long. So the cliche about the weather isn't true in my eyes.

..about the rainishness. ...I have been here when the weather is shit...but this time it wasn't.  I stomped around this city for many a mile. It is rather fantastic. I highly recommend it to anyone. The food is good and cheap. I avoided most touristy stuff except for the museum, and I just wandered wandered wandered....I actually wore my camera out. Time for a new one I guess.

Love it so....I have many photos...but I only posted a chosen few....LOVE LOVE LOVE................................